2022 SWILL-OFF

Summer Swill-Off, July 2022 – Eurotrash Lagers

It was a warm, dark night. The sound of chickens roosting could be heard in the background. There we were, nine of us sitting around an unused fire pit. Once again bowing to the will of Covid but refusing to give up on our traditions. Due to an uptick in our dear friend Rona, and because of some people’s upcoming travel plans, the decision was made to have our monthly meeting outside. There was a proposal of moving to the woods behind the local high school, but we felt it best not to start a turf war with the area teenagers. Later we just decided to have the meeting at Bill M’s house.

What an up and down three year’s it’s been. From a virtual swill off in 2020, to 2021’s only in-person, in-door meeting, to this year’s hanging out in Bill M’s back yard. At least we got to hang out and have some beer. As I said before nine of us decided to come out and keep the annual party going. Plus, this year I didn’t throw away the notes so there will be a write up!

Before we get started, we have some formalities to get through. The theme of the evening was “Euro Trash Lagers”. We’re looking for mass-produced swill from across the pond, which for us seemed to mean central-northern Europe. If it was light colored, crappy and from somewhere in or near Germany we were all about it. Scoring was done by the Wizard’s never-fail finger system (1 finger=horrible 5 fingers =sublime). If you make a comment, you better be prepared to live with that comment as you run the risk of being immortalized in one of my write ups! I will list the beers as we had them to give you the chronological flow of the evening. I’ll also give you the beer’s score, average and if it placed in the top three.

Well, that’s enough of a lead in. We’re prepped. We’re pumped. Let’s now go back to that dark night around Bill M’s lifeless fire pit that will be forever remembered in Wizard lore as the 2022 Swill Off!

1. Jever- First off it was dark. Like what the hell am I writing on this piece of paper dark. Luckily Bill M had a few small lights I could use so I could see what exactly I was writing on. After I finally got settled, I was able to focus on the comments I heard coming out of the darkness such as: Weird finish, Soapy. Very bitter. Really bitter. Some noble spiciness. Weird aftertaste. Bitter like Hamburg. I’ve never personally tasted Hamburg but I’ll take my peer’s word on it. Overall Jever didn’t dazzle us, but it did better than some to finish somewhere in the middle of the pack.

18 pts 2.25 average.

• Pilsner Urquell- In a can! This was a novel feature to many of us. I’ve never personally seen Pilsner out of bottle form however I can’t tell you the last time I actively went out to find this beer. That being said Pilsner Urquell did very well. Personally, I think this beer pushes the envelope of what is swill and what is just a decent beer. Comments I heard for this beer included: Nice head. Greatest beer of all time! (Sarcasm (I think)), Really sweet, soft. Light body. Complete opposite of last beer. More balanced. Hop flavor lingers not badly. We then had to pause as Bill M went all night vision with his camera for some Instagram pics. Brave new world as Wizards compete for likes on social media! After the comments, and the night vision selfies Pilsner Urquell finished strong. 30 pts 3.75 average.  Which placed the beer 2^nd overall.

• Becks- Ok, this is what we came for. For the record people when we say swill this is what we’re talking about! Not some beer that we can turn our collective noses up at for snob points. I want to see a beer that will make our mouths and sphincter pucker simultaneously. Becks did just that! Fun fact, Duane said Becks can only be found in the airports in Germany. Smart, they know when they have a captive audience. Comments I heard were the type I live for:  Oh yeah, like my high school days. Taste is better than smell. Smells like skunk. Very sweet. Also, we learned that you can’t breakup a becks sixpack without paying through the nose, thank Duane for that nugget of knowledge as well. Mildly disappointing. Better if colder. It all broke down when Brendan broke out pretzels which helped get our minds off this one. 7 pts .825 average. Good for dead last on the evening.

• Radeberger pilsner- This beer did well, but I wonder if it’s scoring was due to recency bias. After becks we had nowhere to go but up. Comments I heard we pretty generous: sweet noble spice. I like this one, not bad. Has advantage of coming after the becks. I can drink this. Not bad. Greg had a good story about this beer when it was first available- like a grandpa. It went on for a while and afterwards he seemed happy to share the tale from his earlier years. I really think Radeberger, as I said earlier, benefitted from following Becks. As with so many things in life timing can mean everything. 29 pts, 3.625 Good for third place!

• Amstel lite- This seemed to be a beer from just about everyone’s past. “When was the last time I had this?” Like literally three people said this at once. I get the feeling that Amstel is a beer that we drank when we started moving away from Keystone light to feel sophisticated; without realizing just how much further we still need to go. The comments were harsh, but not as bad as Becks: Smells funky. Not as bad as Becks. Too lite. Low calorie! Not good. Anyway, thanks for the memories, Amstel. 11 pts, 1.375 average. Good for second last place!

• Bitburger- This beer seemed to be firmly entrenched in the middle of the pack. I didn’t get sense of it moving the needle too far in any direction. This tastes grape-y. Lite. A little tannic. Big presence in Germany. Pretty big elsewhere. Low flavor good talk about German beers. 21 pts, 2.625 average

• Stella Artoies- Stella didn’t do all that well, but it wasn’t horrible. Sweet but nasty aroma. Sweet taste. While the overall flavor comments and feelings towards this beer were below average it did provide us with the quote of the night! “I’m a beer snob! I suppress my bias, usually.” 17 pts 2.125 average

• Carlsberg Pilsner- We continued our glorious descent downward with Carlsberg Pilsner. While Stella did not impress this beer did us one better with general dislike. Before we got started criticizing this one Brian W listed all Czech beers which he could remember. Three hours later we decided to get back to discussing Carlsberg. Comments for this beer included: Pretty Neutral. Little sweet? Sweet x4. Little skunked. Would be better if you could get past the aroma. Carlsberg Pilsner was definitely a beer deserving of the title of swill. 12 pts 1.5 average. Third worst on the evening!

• Carlsberg Elephant- After we had the Pilsner it was time for the Elephant! This beer was unquestionably the largest beer that we sampled this night being over 7% ABV. Elephant did score much higher that it’s pilsner counterpart. The comments: This is much bigger. Smells malty, boozy. I like this beer. Made with real elephant? While we tasted this beer a delightful BBQ discussion broke out. It was here where we learned that parsley is not the cheerful garnish you may think it is. Parsley can be a prima donna on the competition circuit. Earning a reputation as a bitch to work with. You’ve been warned kids, you’ve been warned. 19 pts, 2.375 average.

1. 10. Weihenstphamer Helles- Weihenstphamer closed things out for us on this pleasant evening. I really think this beer didn’t belong in a swill competition as it was far too enjoyable for such a thing. Next year find something a bit crappier to bring! The comments for this beer reflected it’s overall enjoyableness: nice and lite. Pretty good. Pretty much they all echoed these sentiments Weihenstphamer did steal the show, bringing in 31 pts 3.875 average. Winning the evening with 1^st place!

Bonus Beer!

1. Brian W’s Helles- we did have a bonus beer. Brian W did bring a homemade Helles. We did not judge this beer, but it was very good!

After the swill was consumed and the numbers tabulated we all stayed on for a bit to share some homemade brew and better professional beer as well. A big thanks to Bill M for once again opening his house to us. Also, a thank you to Greg for sharing all of the plastic goods he’s been hording since the Carter Administration. Tune in next year to see where we’ll be. Online? Inside? Out? Maybe will overpower those damn teenagers and put a claim in on the woods behind the high school.

Pat