2020 Swill-Off

Summer Swill-Off, July 2020 – The Big Boys

My fellow Americans,

As I make this broadcast from the depths of my bunker, I regret to inform you that life as you knew it has come to a screaming halt. What a year. What a year. Just think about what we have already been through:

• Australia caught fire. The Koala bears all burned their little feet.
• We nearly started World War III with Iran
• The Philadelphia Flyers mascot started beating up children.
• Prince Harry and Princess Meghan stepped down from their duties in the British royal family
• Locust swarms
• MURDER HORNETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• An impeached president, social unrest, a stock market in flux..
• And some kind of global hoax, or pandemic depending on where you get your news from.

There is more but I think you get the point that 2020 has been a little on the rough side. So here we now sit. Alone in our bunkers waiting for some good news; and that good news is there if you know where to look:

• People started knitting booties for the Koala’s. Others still sold nude photos of themselves to help fight the fires.
• The U.S.A and Iran both saw something shiny and forgot about killing each other for a while.
• People remembered Philadelphia is full of deranged lunatics
• We’re Americans, we don’t care about the royal family
• We bought bug spray
• We started taking Malaria Medication to fight the pandemic! (Please do not do this)
• But most importantly we looked to our traditions for a sense of normalcy

Which brings us to right now. Folks, who needs social contact, a stable government, steady employment or freedom from terror insects when you have events like the one we just experienced: The Swill Off! It would take more than a few wars, pandemics or raging mascots to keep us from drinking marginal beer in a judgmental way with people we can tolerate in short increments.

It was a night to remember. 11 of us came together to use the internet for it’s original purpose of being able to communicate during the end times. Somewhere Al Gore was smiling. Due to timing and travel constraints we kept it simple this year. We only judged 3 standard American lagers: Budweiser, Coors, Miller highlife and one wild card beer of the taster’s choosing.

And we had rules! Rules that help give our society structure and ourselves the false sense of security we desperately need. Rules like the following:

• Scoring was done by the Wizard’s never-fail finger system (1 finger=horrible 5 fingers =sublime (and if you’re paying attention yes, I did cut and paste this sentence from last year’s write-up)).
• I will list the beers as we had them to give you the chronological flow of the evening.
• I will also give you the beer’s score, average and at the end I will give you the Overall winner.
• Unfortunately, in these hard times not all participants were able procure the needed resources to complete this tasting. So, in these instances I assigned a number to these individuals based on the way I thought they would score the beer.
• Other adjustments to scores can be given out as needed.

That is enough of a lead in; we don’t have the time for any more words before the next calamity hits. So, without anything further to say I give you the 2020 Wizards Swill off.

1. Budweiser – We began the night with the king of beers. Beechwood aroma (sarcasm, I think. (Fun fact about beechwood, it adds no flavor or aroma to the actual beer. Its only purpose is to help quicken the lager process)).. There was a big freshness date discussion and how that could possibly affect the flavor. Old fish aroma (probably an older freshness date?). I can’t imagine why people drink this. Smells ok, tastes eh. Now I smell fish. Bill pan fries his fish tacos. Corn or flower tortilla? Very thin watery mouthfeel.  Once you get past the aquarium smell there aren’t any off flavors. Does this deserve a glass? Great clarity. If you’re isn’t this color or lighter, you’re not hydrating enough. Very little aroma. Very patriotic can. Dull bland and old. (check your date!) It can come in a high tech can!

18 pts =1.8

2. Miller High Life- Kind of like the miller got more flavor, but not a good flavor. Still not that good. Very clear. Similar color to bud. Strange after taste but at least there is flavor. There was a big debate about gargling with hydrogen peroxide. We found out it is ok to gargle with, but don’t swallow. This is better from the bottle “It’s all about the delivery”. Colby and two others could not participate in this tasting because they couldn’t find the high life in time. I remember the look on poor Colby’s face as he could only look upon the rest of us enjoying ourselves and the way he punished himself by drinking seltzer. In order to keep the scoring clean I added a correction to the scoring as I thought these three would vote.

17pts + 1.75 * 3 for a correction coefficient of 5.25, brings the total to 22.25 = 2.25

3. Coors (and Coors light) apparently finding Coors singles is harder than previously thought as about half of the participants had the light beer equivalent. First time I had this since high school. People used to drive to Idaho to get this. Now that is watery. Solid 4(?). Hard to rate for no aroma or no flavor and some sweetness. “Colorado cool aid”. The beer of smokey and the bandit. Not bad. I’m drinking it! Not good out of the glass, Keep it in the can. Lightly carbonated. “Both suck but in different ways”. There were two people missing this beer but based on their expressions I don’t think they were missing it too much.

20pts+ 1.25*2 for a correction coefficient of 2.5 = 22.5 = 2.5

 4. Wild card- This has never been done before in Swill Off history. Everyone brought their own crap. The excitement was so great that Bill forgot about his manners and started getting pissy with everyone (You almost made it to the end buddy). I’ll just list the beers, how many drank them, a few quick comments and what the score was.

1. Steel reserve- There’s a solventy flavor aroma that isn’t pleasant. Can’t get the flavor out of my mouth. — 3 people had it with 3 pts for an average of 1.

• PBR- Very fragrant and has a blude ribbon. Nice aroma, terrible taste. — 2 people 6 points average = 3, +.1 for having a blue ribbon on the can = 3.1

• Gansett- Awful good head, lot of caramel isn’t good, better out of the can — 1 person at 3 points

• Castle Island- not pleasant. (That is all) — 1 person, 2 points

• Shiner bock- tastes like I can drink it all! — 1 person, 2 points.

• Seltzer- no comment, just a sad face. — 1 person, 4 points *.37 for healthy lifestyle bias for a total of 1.48 (I’m sorry, but I’m not letting seltzer rule the day. That’s not what we signed up for!)

 For those of you keeping score at home this year’s swill off winner is- PBR! This was a no brainer because the can already had an award on it and I think we could all use a little more simplicity in our lives! We also learned that if you keep the meeting virtual Rob will not kick us out a 9:45 so there’s another positive from this night!

Well my friends that is all I got. It was another successful event and was good to see your faces again. Be safe, be well. I’ll see you in August.

 -Pat