2019 Swill-Off
Summer Swill-Off, July 2019 – American Full Body Beers
What up my Beer Peeps,
You. Me. Beer. Experimentation. Judgement.
Those are five of my favorite elements in the entire world. Why? Simple, you take those ingredients in the right amount, mix them around, add a little humidity and you get one of alchemy’s greatest creations. The Swill Off!
God, I love this. There we were, 10 brave souls. All not horribly excited to go through with it. All a little too hot to be comfortable. No good beer around for miles. It’s amazing what people will do to get away from their families for a little while.
Yet at the end of the day we made it work. We laughed, we grimaced. We listened to Bill complain. By the time it was over we got to scan some beers into Untapped® that we typically would never touch. Those of you that didn’t come owe us a debt of gratitude. You may think these beers are largely bad, but we know they are. Without us brave few these samples would be like Schrodinger’s beer for you. “I’m pretty sure they’re bad, but I’m not entirely certain.” Well, those of us that came out can tell you that they are mainly pretty not good. Besides that, what could possibly be more fun on a Tuesday night in July?
Now before we get to the judging there are a couple of orders of business to attend to. First, I know I didn’t get this done Tuesday night after the meeting. I’m sorry but the idea of sleeping when I got home seemed so much more enjoyable than doing the write up right then and there. I then forgot about it for a week. Luckily, I take notes to safeguard against these sorts of misshapes. Second, the theme: “American Full Body Beers”. No lite beers allowed this year. This year we’re all about the body. Third, scoring was done by the Wizard’s never-fail finger system (1 finger=horrible 5 fingers =sublime (and if you’re paying attention yes, I did cut and paste this sentence from last year’s write-up)). I will list the beers as we had them to give you the chronological flow of the evening. I’ll also give you the beer’s score, average and at the end I will give you the Overall winner.
That’s about all I have for lead-in material this go around. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the 2019 Wizard’s Swill Off!
1. Budweiser- We began our evening with the King of Beers and it really helped set a baseline for the entire event. It also reminds Joey of 40oz in Detroit. I’m sure there’s some interesting back story there but none of us felt like ripping off the band aids that are holding together his psyche. Also, Bill started complaining early which set the tone for everyone else. “Smelless, colorless”. Although it was bad, it wasn’t as bad as what we would see, and some people took that into account. “Fine, American champagne of Beers.” “Shocking how not- terrible it is. Like a Belgian blond.” The talk then quickly got onto Bud Light Commercials and the hypocrisy of talking about others using corn syrup while ignoring the amount of rice they use. Bud-rice, Budricer!!! There was also excellent conversation about beechwood, and wood found in the ocean and how the later should never be used to age beers. 22pts- 2.44 average
2. Bud Red- While this beer did have much more malt flavor than the previous bud offering it didn’t score as well as it’s cousin. “New Year, different name.” Fun Fact! – Dwayne said this was the first beer to be drank on the moon. (I think the sixties were particularly good to Dwayne.) While we had no way to confirm this obscure piece of American History, we decided to just say what we thought about the beer. “This is what happens when you add crystal malt to bud.” “If this was ice cold. I could drink half of one”. “Nasty”. “Finishes oddly dry for being too sweet.” These were some of the nicest comments I could gather for Bud Red. 19 pts- 2.11
3. Rolling Rock- So we hit a bit of downturn with Rolling rock; both in terms of beer quality and childhood memories. This beer also brought forth some good conversation regarding where it’s from and what the cryptic symbols on the bottle mean. “This is what I dank in high school.” While we pondered that statement someone else asked “Where is t this made?” Well, of course everyone knows this is made in Old Latrou…… FAIRFILED CALIFORNIA?!?!?!? What? This beer is made in like 10 places not named Latrobe PA. Since being bought by Anheuser-Busch in 2006 the brewing operations are now centered in New Jersey of all places.
While we shook off that shock, we then pondered a common question surrounding this beer. Why the 33? I’m too old and too tired to go over all of these theories now so I’ll just leave you this link: https://www.beer-faq.com/rolling-rock-label-33/ and let you talk amongst yourselves.
To go along with all of this talk we had some comments for Rolling Rock as well. “This beer is something that Suny students would drink (the New York college, not the religion I’m assuming).” “The Body is not bad, but finish is awful.” “The smell is horrible, Pilsner Urquell lite.” “I remember this being worse.” After all was said and done Rolling Rock gave us our first sub-2-point score. 13pts- 1.44 (Fun Fact- we gave Rolling Rock a 1.692 in 2015).
4. Yuengling – Another product originally from PA (What’s in the water there?), this beer went ever further down the rabbit hole than its predecessor. Yuengling also gave us our first real partisan beer of the night gaining strong support from some. “OOFF, Ugh.” “Smells like fresh kill. You can taste it too.” “You guys must have a bad bottle- this is GREAT!” “Lingering after taste.” “That’s bad.” “You have no respect.” “I need a rinse.” “Have some more.”
It was also brought forth that Yuengling ran Pretty Things out of business. While I couldn’t find any direct materials proving this you’ll be happy to know that the Pretty Things team have reopened in the UK- https://www.foodandwine.com/beer/saint-mars-desert-brewery-sheffield-england-dann-martha-paquette. Oh, and Yuengling scored horribly. 12pts- 1.33
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon- IN A 40!!!- “Where’s the paper bag it came in?” “It’s in the trash.” “GO GET IT!” God, Yes. I’m a firm believer that drinking crap beer from a 40 wrapped in a paper bag instantly makes it better; and I wasn’t wrong! After putting the beer into its proper serving implement we were able to begin. “Now this is a quality beverage.” “Happy hour pricing.” “I can still smell the paper bag!” (Damn right you can. Murica!) “Malt is not bad.” “Reminds me of an indie concert.” “Let’s drink this downtown.” This beer even made Joey break out more childhood memories. “I was riding a pig in Alabama……” the rest was inaudible, and we felt it best to let him ramble on.
Bill then made his presence known buy trying to bum out the whole party with bitter terrible comments about how no one winning anything at homebrew con. It only took him 5 beers. We didn’t let him harsh our good feelings though. PBR had a solid showing and scored bonus points for being a 40 in a brown bag! 24 pts- 2.67 + 10 for coolness/nostalgia= 3.78
6. Miller Genuine Draft- This beer brought back more youthful memories for some while getting a very strong score. “The first beer I ever had.” “I used to steal these from my father.” “That’s flavor!!” “Which flavor??” “It’s got a lot of body.” “Is choicyest a word?” (No, choicest is though) “You’re a choicest!” (Wow, Rude). There was then a pretty good Untapped badge discussion.” When it was over MGD stood above all other non-bonus-point-awarded beers. 32 pts- 3.56
7. Narragansett- While native to New England Gansett took a step back from MGD. “I hate the light version eechh!” We then started listing all the Gansett beers that we’d rather be drinking. Talked about Octoberfest (mark your calendars for the September meeting!!!) “Decent Beer!!” “Wrong!” “Tastes like Budweiser.” “Rust/metallic taste.” “The bud is cleaner.” “It has malt and body but isn’t good.” 24 pts- 2.67
8. Coors Banquet Beer- The Rocky Mountains proved to be more like mole hills with this beer. “Who goes to banquets anymore? Cub scouts!!!”” I don’t like this.” “Mmm.” “It’s really yellow.” “And tastes like apples.” “Stubby bottle, that’s good for driving.” “This is the worlds first gluten-full cider.” “Took the apples out of our beer will taste better.” Which brought about some interesting conversation for next year’s swill off- Let’s bring our worst/oldest beers next year!” Mark your Calendars! By the way, this beer scored horribly. 13 pts- 1.44
9. Old Blue Last Beer- from Anheuser-Busch- “This is a refreshing beer, please drink it.” This is what it said on the can. While so many of you thought this beer was complete swill, I personally found it delightful “What am I tasting??” “Like a gose/berliner.” “Juicy.” “Old blue cheese.” “I think its infected More cidery than the Coors.” “Tastes like I’m calling in sick.” While you gave this beer the overall lowest score of the evening, I happen to think you were all too drunk at this point to appreciate good beer. With this in mind I decided to correct the score as I saw fit. The two zeros given I interpreted as 10’s for it being a pleasant lawn-mower beer. And then added another 10 points because it’s my write-up and if you don’t like it you can go ahead and start your own! 7pts + 10 + 10+ 10 (two fists and a correction addition) 0.78- 4.11
There, that’s better! Well for those of you keeping score at home. This easily makes Old Blue the best beer we tasted that night. In fact, one of the best Swill Off scores ever! This being followed closely by PBR served in a paper bag-wrapped 40oz.
For you puritans out there that only like the actual finger score MGD took home first. Sure, that vote may have been higher, but it was done by people that for the most part live in a state where they thought forced busing and banning happy hour where good ideas as well.
I kid, I kid. Remember, it’s not about the points. As long as we’re out have fun, being a little snooty and enjoying everyone’s (except Bill’s) company we’re all winners.
Well all, I hope this helps you with your summer beer choices. It was a blast once again and next year I can’t wait to see what some of you drag out of your closets to sample. See you in August!
-Pat